I can’t believe I only have three weeks until I leave for home! My time away from home has been filled with so much change and with so much change spiritually. I will be leaving Oregon with a known desire to serve God in whatever area He chooses, whether that be in North Dakota or any other place He desires for me to go. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to serve God in whatever area He has planned for my life, but it always has been an issue of surrender to go and to allow him to use me in his time table, not my own. With that desire is the known fact that I cannot serve Him to the best of my ability in a public school classroom. God is not welcome there and God is the Lord of my life. It has been through the experience of working in a public school that God has clearly shown to me what I do NOT want to do with the rest of my life. In the band world, I have seen extreme worlds that extend from being overly happy and loving their job to depressed people that drink and criticize their work companions and other job colleagues. Drinking seems like the way for many directors to escape their reality and to “have fun.” I can have fun without the social drinking. I realize that this job also involves a lot of planning and extra work time outside of the classroom. I do not want to spend every breathing moment thinking about my job. I love music, but I want a life outside of the classroom too. It reminds me of a verse I ran across just recently in my devotions. Psalm 119:36 “Incline my hear unto THY testimonies, and not to covetousness. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken through me in THY way.” If God is to be my main priority, how can I balance a job that requires all of me too? People may ask “Why did you even get a degree in an area you may never work?” My answer is this, “I wanted to learn how to serve God with the talents and gifts He has given to me musically. I wanted to be able to do my best to teach people what true love for God is through music.” I may never be a great teacher in the world’s eyes, but through this experience, I have learned how to work with children, teens, and even adults in a better way than I have before. I have learned how to connect in small ways with each age group. I will miss the students God allowed me to work with in the elementary, middle, and yes, even the high school level.
In the midst of figuring out God’s will for my life, which is learning how to give him my day, my thoughts, my time, and ultimately, my heart, God has had to take me through a process. I know this process is not over as it is part of growing spiritually in my walk with the Lord. Part of this process has been learning how to give what is dearest to me, over to him. All of my dreams, ambitions, friends and family belong to Him. In his perfect time, he always fulfills what we need and sometimes, even what we set our heart on having or doing one day.
Just recently, the Lord allowed another change to happen… the family that He gave to me, moved to California. I have never been so close to a family I knew for only a short time. It was really hard saying good-bye. There were tears involved, until the Lord reminded me that He knew all of this would be His plan. He was someone I could depend on at any time. He doesn’t change, even though lots of things in the world change. I quickly realized that I was trying to take control of the situation and I couldn’t control all that was happening. I had to actually sit back and let God work in my heart and be joyful in the midst of a trial. I am not sure I passed the test. I learned that in the midst of change, even a time of hard change, God wants us to rest in him and he can give us joy and not sorrow. I learned all of this after I had gone through sorrow. I wished that I hadn’t looked at what I was losing and instead, would have looked to God right away. It may have been a few days that I felt sorrow, but I let it build inside and let it stress me out. After giving it over to God, I was amazed at how He filled that emptiness with peace that He would lead and guide my life. He could help me make “new memories” with those around me. I can honestly say that I am making new memories. I am presently at an International Band Clinic in Seattle, WA. I am with a group of high school students. This has been a great time of bonding with them. I have even had an opportunity to talk about the Lord with one of them who claims to be a Christian. It was a blessing talking about the Lord and all He has done in my life to bring me here to this place of isolation from everyone I know. In Psalm 119: 68, 71-72 “Thou art good, and doest good; teach me thy statutes. It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might LEARN thy statutes. The law of thy mouth is better unto me than thousands of gold and silver.” It is so true! God’s ways are so much better than what the world has to offer. I am so thankful God knows my future and each day that I have to face. With his leadership and direction, He will always bring his children to the perfect place at the perfect time.
I can think back to how I wanted to “live on my own.” That was before God showed me how important family really is. I desire to be around people and now, I don’t feel like I have to prove that I can do things on my own. I have now lived and “survived” it, but only with God’s help and definitely His leadership and control over every single situation. It is amazing how much I really haven’t been “on my own.” I always have had God at my side. I can even say that God has given me a “home of my own” and oh, how I wish I had the family was back here to fill it. It is amazing how God really does provided our needs and yes, even our “wants” sometimes. I am learning how to adjust to this new home environment and I am so glad that God has lead every step of the way.
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